March 26, 2012 | l’Oignon: ISSUE 48•13
WASHINGTON—Saying they know its no good for them but they just can’t help themselves, gushing women voters acknowledged Monday the overwhelming and uncontrollable attraction they feel toward the sexist Republican party.
Smitten female voters across the nation told reporters that despite the way it treats them, they still find everything about the GOP—from its reckless, devil-may-care neglect of women’s health issues to its devastatingly bold misogyny—completely irresistible.
“They openly insult me, undermine my intelligence, and act as if I lack the basic responsibility to take care of myself, but every time I hear them talking about why I shouldn’t be able to choose what I do with my own body, I get a little turned on,” registered voter Jennifer Wilson said. “My friends keep telling me I’ll get burned like I always do when I elect guys who think their authority extends to my uterus, but there’s just something unbelievably sexy about politicians who see something they want and then go out and take it.”
“Sure, I could probably find a party that would respect me and be sympathetic toward my desire to make my own personal health care decisions,” Wilson continued. “But what can I say? That’s not what drives me wild.”
While acknowledging they deserved better and were “probably going to hate [themselves] for it,” many women said that when they go to the polls they simply cannot resist their deep-seated urge to vote for brazenly chauvinistic candidates who actually wish to deprive them of access to even the most commonplace forms of contraception.
According to a recent Zogby poll, 83 percent of females voters say they “just aren’t ready to settle down” with a political party that has their best interests at heart, 68 percent find themselves drawn to cocksure Republican lawmakers who oppose extending the Violence Against Women Act, and 54 percent report feeling aroused “just thinking about” an elderly hard-line evangelical explaining to them how the nation’s moral fabric is threatened by the sexual activity of unmarried women.
Enlarge ImageSexist Republicans Who Make Women Swoon, left to right • Mitt Romney, Republican presidential candidate – Romney constantly changes his mind on women’s rights, and while women say his indecision can be infuriating, they also admit it’s kind of sexy. • Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) – Women know this sounds awful, but they were seriously turned on when Issa’s government panel on contraception didn’t include a single female witness. • Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI) – Upton is firmly against federal funding for abortion, and women have said his shortsightedness on the issue totally gets them going.
“I keep saying I won’t let myself be put at the mercy of a political party that caters to fundamentalist Christians who believe husbands should control their wives,” said Seattle attorney Connie York, explaining the difficulty of voting against a GOP presidential candidate who talks tough about shutting down Planned Parenthood cancer-screening and prenatal-care centers. “Then I step into the voting booth, draw the curtain, and…and it’s just so fucking hot, I can’t say no.”
Added York, “There’s something about pulling the lever for a man who would force you to die for the sake of saving a fetus that makes you feel like you’re doing something a little bit naughty, you know?”
While experts have repeatedly warned them about the need to break this self-destructive cycle, many women admitted that come November they will likely find themselves falling for yet another wild, insolent candidate who opposes something as basic and necessary as sex education in public schools.
“They’re just setting themselves up for disappointment when they do this,” said sociologist Herbert Iglesias, whose research focuses on women who vote for men who would like to see them imprisoned for murder if they have an abortion after being raped. “And no matter how often they’re called derogatory names or discriminated against, some of them keep going back to the same political party.”
Still, some female voters said they have a more nuanced outlook on their situation.
“Ultimately, I think we just want what we can’t have,” middle school teacher Deborah Trillo, 37, said. “They walk all over you and break your heart anytime you have the slightest bit of hope for them, but there’s always a small part of you that thinks maybe, just maybe, you’ll find one who’s more than just an irredeemable, narrow-minded, backward, bullying misogynist.”
“Of course with my luck, they always just turn out to be gay,” Trillo added.